Pastor A

Now we are going to move from the realm of the marriage relationship to that of the parent – child relationship. Children are dirty, messy, and expensive. They keep you from doing what you would like to do so you can drive them around to do what they want to do. Children are selfish, demanding, grungy little creatures that destroy your house, your car, and about everything else you hold dear. There. It has been said. Don’t lie; you have thought the same things.

However, children are the neatest things ever to happen to anyone. I love my three children; far from perfect, but pretty much amazing. I may not like yours and I certainly do not expect you to like mine. But I know you love yours just like I do mine.

Children are just so cool. They are always on the lookout for a good time. They eat when they are hungry, sleep when they are tired, and love you unconditionally (especially when they are younger). Make no mistake; however, your children are your responsibility. You are responsible for what they learn and how they act. Children act the way they do because they were taught to act that way.

You know those little children you see in the mall and in restaurants that are just so bad? The ones who throw their food, run all over the place screaming, and make everyone around them miserable? The ones so ill-behaved you just want to jerk them up yourself and take control of the situation? Those children drive me crazy! What I have to remind myself constantly is that the little children are manifesting their sin nature AND their parents are allowing it.

We will talk tomorrow of discipline but for now I will say… not only do those children need corporal punishment BUT a whole lot of parents need it too! It is not the child’s fault he is running around the restaurant screaming like a banshee; it is the parents’ fault. The mom, dad, and child all need to be scolded and reprimanded. Where did the shame go in allowing children to act the way they do today? I have watched and learned this; little children behave exactly the way they are allowed to behave – no better, no worse. They will push the limits.

I surely wish that parents would retake, relearn, and restart their responsibility to set limits and boundaries for their child(ren) to live within, then discipline accordingly when they do not.

Parents, it is time to start being embarrassed by they way you allow your children to behave. Follow along and we will try to give some helpful advice to turn this around.

Don’t try to direct your children; DO direct your children today.

Friendship is just about the only relationship that exists entirely because you want it to. It is not like family; you are stuck with those people no matter what. You cannot rid of them even if you try. Everyone has a “Cousin Eddie” in the family. Just duck your head and deal with it. You do not have a choice. But no one is forcing you to be friends. Friendship is always a choice.

You should not have to work at friendship. Friendships should be easy. If you have to work to make it happen, then really it is not a friendship – it is just someone you hang around with sometimes. Friends just accept you and let you be the way you are. They let you have your good days and your bad days. They allow you to be an idiot. However, a friend will not let you whine. A real friend will kick you in the backside and force you to take responsibility.

You do not need too many friends. Someone said, “If a man has five true friends in his lifetime, that man has been wealthy indeed.” I love my friends. I will do what it takes to help them. Period. No judgment. No questions asked. I think that is what being a friend is all about. And it should come easily.

I say all of the above because others say, “Marriages should be like friendship.” They say you should not have to work at your marriage; it should be easy like friendship. I disagree with this thinking. My wife and I never work at our friendship. We do however work at our marriage every day. Even in the down times when there is a period of difficulty in our marriage, our friendship remains intact. I am so extremely grateful for her friendship.

If you can have a good friend who is your spouse, you are indeed a blessed person. So enjoy your friendship with your spouse and go to work on the marriage. Never stop working on your marriage.

Don’t try today; DO today.

Would you like to know how you can have a better spouse?

Make a list of everything you like/love about your spouse. Be very specific. Then tell your spouse one of the things on the list every day.

Make another list that describes the perfect spouse you would like to have. Become that list. When you become the kind of spouse you would like to have, you will have the kind of spouse you want.

Here are some suggestions:

• Leave your spouse little notes saying how much you love him/her and why.
• Find ways to laugh together.
• Hug more. Gripe less.
• Scope up. Let pettiness go. So the top is off the toothpaste – let is slide.
• Treat your spouse with the same dignity and respect you would a stranger.
• Do the unexpected. Keep the element of surprise alive.

Do something crazy! Some time ago I was leaving to go on a mission trip. Shelli hates it when I leave… even if it is only for a couple days. We were packed up in the car and she was ready to take me to the airport. I said, “Wait a minute.” I ran back inside and took a tube of brand new lipstick. I wrote a cute note in great big letters on the bathroom mirror. I then drew a big heart right where Shelli stands to get ready in the morning. Every day when Shelli was getting ready, there was  a visible reminder that I love her.

In fact, it took weeks for her to ever clean the mirror because it meant so much to her. Do something crazy! She didn’t even get upset that I ruined a brand new tube of lipstick.

Don’t try to become a better spouse; DO become a better spouse – start today.

People require the touch of another person in order to flourish. Babies who are not touched do not develop intellectually or emotionally as well as those who are cuddled and held. The same applies to adults. Any relationship where people do not touch will not flourish either.

Next time you are in an argument with your spouse, make it a rule that you must touch while you are arguing. Seriously! Even if it is just to touch his/her foot with your toe – touch. The touch will keep you connected in some small way.

You need to hold hands, hug, kiss… whatever it takes to stay in physical contact. Why do you think people shake hands when they meet? It establishes a physical bond that can then be built upon. What is the first thing two people are told to do when they are pronounced man and wife? They are told to kiss. It is a physical bond that can then be build upon.

The first thing that usually goes away when a couple has a problem is the physical contact. This is why you must touch in some small way whenever you argue. When you touch there is an exchange of energy and I truly believe that exchange can heal and bond together two separate entities.

Show physical affection to your spouse in order to stay emotionally connected. And remember: affection that comes from a lack of obligation is the sweetest and most meaningful!

Don’t try to show affection today; DO show affection today!

We have all been told that the key to communication is to meet the other person halfway. I do not believe this to be true. What if you travel halfway and the other person only goes a fourth of the way? That still leaves a gap, right? So how far should you go when it comes to establishing open communications? I know – how about all the way? Sorry, not far enough either. I have been in a conversation where I went all the way and my wife decided to turn around and go the other way.

So what is the right answer? As far as it takes. You go as far as it takes to establish open, honest communication. Not halfway, not all the way, but as far as it takes. Just talk and keep talking, even though the communication may be painful. Silence is rarely your friend when trying to establish or maintain or heal a relationship. In conflict, silence is just easier than having a conversation and dealing with the problem. However, when silence becomes too comfortable, you end up becoming more and more distant.

Any time two people get into a relationship there are going to be disagreements. At least I hope so. Say what? Really now, can you imagine a relationship where there are no arguments? Can you imagine what kind of mealy-mouth weaklings those people must be? I do not know who said it but I totally agree with this line, “When two people always agree on everything, one of them is not necessary.”

Passionate people will express themselves. Do you believe in something, anything? Then you will be passionate about it! Never allow your anger or hurt to stay bottled up until it turns into resentment. When you resent your spouse… your relationship begins to die! The Bible clearly instructs us to never let the sun go down upon our wrath. In other words, deal with today’s garbage today. Never revisit yesterday’s garbage – it is foul, stinky, smelly, and unhealthy.

Deal with the issues and then make up. (Sometimes making up can be so much fun you might want to consider starting an argument =)

The key to understanding and dealing with your disagreements is to make them about some thing and not about someone. Personal attacks are cheap shots and only hurt the relationship and can actually make it weaker. Steer clear of name-calling. Do your best not to attack the other person. Even if the other person did something you want to take issue with, make your arguments about what they did and not about who they are.

Remember Monday’s blog – forgiveness! Humbly seek forgiveness and humbly receive forgiveness. Move on once forgiveness has been granted!

Don’t try today; DO today.

“There’s more self-love than love in jealousy.“  Francois Due de La Rochefoucauld

Jealousy is an emotion based upon fear. It is a dangerous emotion that grows from a lack of self-esteem or self-worth and a lack of trust. Jealousy is destructive in every way. It will destroy your relationship and your sanity. Give up jealousy today – right this moment!

“Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive.“  Havelock Ellis

Often jealousy creeps into the relationship when trust has been broken. Once trust has been broken or breached in a relationship, that relationship requires an overhaul. For the relationship to survive, forgiveness must be sought and accepted. A stronger relationship then is built on this new trust. The old trust does not work any longer. The only way to make any relationship that has been violated work again is to establish a new trust based upon a new commitment – a commitment that you choose to love each other afresh and new each and every day.

“When you come to another with love in your heart, asking nothing, only offering that love, you create miraculous relationships.“  Dr. Wayne Dyer

This issue of trust applies to all relationships. Most people have a tendency to consider trust as a factor that exists only in marriages. But trust is a factor in all relationships: parent/child; boss/subordinate; friends; family members; company/customer; coworkers; corporations/stockholders; church/members; etc. Each of these relationships relies on trust. Once it is broken, the relationship changes forever. And in each situation, the relationship pays a price.

So before you lie, steal, cheat, spread a rumor, talk behind someone’s back, or disappoint someone needlessly, think about the consequences and know there is no going back. And if your relationship with another has been violated, know that you must start over by building a completely new relationship on a new level of trust.

It can happen today but you must DO and not try.

Don’t try today; DO today!

So how healthy is your marriage relationship? Did you forgive after reading yesterday’s blog? Did you set yourself free?

I have had the privilege of marrying many couples. Several of those couples have written their own vows and it is always sweeter because it is so personal. There are many traditional marriage vows and most imply we should hold to each other because we have to, not because we want to. I do believe we would all recognize that most people do not respond well to have to. Have to is based in obligation. Obligation means we owe someone something.

I really do not want to owe someone. I never want to spend time with someone out of obligation. I certainly do not want to love out of obligation. I have learned that resentment stems from obligation. I never want to resent the person with whom I have chosen to spend my life. Shelli and I are together because we want to be. We have been through too much to feel obligated. Obligation went out the door many years ago between us. We simply love and enjoy our time together.

I do not love my Lord out of duty or obligation! I love Him because of ALL that he has done and continues to do in my life. What about you today; do you love your spouse out of some duty or obligation or do you love because you have chosen to love him/her? Do you love Jesus Christ because of what He has done and is doing in your life today?

Throw out that “obligation” and “choose” to love today. Love is pure. Love is always good. Love is of God. Love should be expressed!

Don’t try to love today; Choose to love today!

How many would agree with this statement? Forgiveness is not easy! Has your spouse ever done something that hurt you? You have failed to forgive him/her. This is your life today: you have stayed together but it is not working. You bring up the mistake of your spouse on a regular basis in order to make them feel bad. You try to hurt him/her over and over again by reminding him/her how wrong they had been and how they hurt you. You justify every bad thing you have done by comparing it to what your spouse has done to you. In summary, your lack of forgiveness is tearing both of you apart.

Friend, there is no way to be happy in a relationship when you are full of anger, resentment, and unforgiveness toward your spouse!

This may be your real problem – you feel that he/she does not deserve your forgiveness. He/she has apologized and you even know inside that they are genuinely sorry. He/she has done everything a human being could be expected to do to let you know how sorry they are and how horrible they feel. But, it is still not enough for you. You want more; you want him/her to “deserve” forgiveness.

This one sentence changed my thinking about this topic of forgiveness for any situation: You do not forgive others because they deserve it; you forgive them because you deserve it!

WOW! This is it! It can change your life today. You are struggling with this entire topic of forgiveness. Here you are in a relationship with someone that you do love but you are miserable. You are miserable because you struggle with forgiving. You are trying to make his/her life miserable while ruining your life together in the process. And you are doing this because you are waiting for him/her to do something that is beyond his/her power. You are waiting for him/her to earn your forgiveness – to deserve it. Wake up – this is never going to happen.

Your “humanness” will not allow you to forgive him/her. At least not because they deserve it. But you do deserve it. This is the release that you will receive when you completely and totally forgive with no strings attached. You deserve to be free from the sadness and anger and resentment of whatever the small or large misdeed. You must let go of your unforgiving spirit and allow the Spirit within you to heal you and release you to be loving once again. You need to forgive so that you can move on to a state of freedom that can only come from living in a relationship based on trust, love, and openness.

Do you have people in your life right now who have “done you wrong?” If you are like most people, then you do. Are you harboring anger, resentment, and hard feelings toward them? Let it go. Forgive them. Not because they “deserve” it – because honestly they may not. But… DO it because you deserve to be set free.

Easy? Absolutely not. Necessary? Absolutely.

Don’t try to forgive today; DO forgive today!

If yesterday I spoke out of both sides of my mouth, then today will surely confuse you. There is a great dichotomy in life: You do not need others to be happy and yet you cannot be happy without others.

No one succeeds alone. No one is truly happy alone. We need each other. We were given to each other to love, to worship with, to serve with, to play with, to argue with, and to enjoy. That means we have to figure out how to get along with each other. This is a challenge for sure; one that I have yet to completely figure out. However, with some 25 years of experience, I have some solid ideas I know works:

On this Sunday morning, there is surely one word that will change your life… forgiveness! Relationships are full of offenses. Two individuals attempting to get along with each other harmoniously is almost a ridiculous idea to begin with. To think there will not be hurt feelings between the two is just ignorant. I know you have been told the key to dealing with offenses is to forgive and “forget.” Does it really work for you? If we were able to forgive, we never forgot.

The Bible principle is given to us in the life of the Lord Jesus Christ. He forgave us of ALL our sins, grievances, shortcomings, etc. If He can do that (and we killed Him) then surely we can work to forgive those who have offended us. Even when we mess up (and I surely have too many times to count) we will make the choice to forgive and rebuild from that point. It takes two to forgive – not just one. It takes humility on the part of the offender and an acceptance of the humility on the part of the offended.

What do you need to forgive today that you have been harboring in your heart and soul? What great misdeed have you not forgiven? What little misdeed have you not forgiven? What bitterness is growing in you over your failure to forgive. The truth is that you will never be able to forget until you first forgive. Will you truly ever forget? NO! The scar will be present just as a child who once had stitches in his knee from an accident. Over time it is forgotten but occasionally you might notice the scar and it is at that time you are reminded that as a child you hurt your knee. There is no pain in remembering; it has healed.

Thus, it is with you. You will heal from your hurts. The pain will go away. It will become a distant memory. However, you MUST forgive in your marriage relationship before healing can ever begin.

Don’t try to forgive today; DO forgive today!

We have been told that opposites attract. In magnets maybe that is a good thing, but in relationships I do not think it is so good. Where people are concerned, opposites do attract but not for long. You must have things in common – lots of things. Otherwise you will tire of each other, find each other boring, and begin to resent each other for not sharing common interests.

I really believe this is why so many people divorce after their children leave home. Once the children are gone, they are faced with only each other. Up until that point, their only common interest was the children, but now what is left? In most cases, not much.

Several years ago I was getting my hair cut. In one of those tabloid magazines I read a quote from Chris Rock. At the time I thought it was a ridiculous quote. After many years of counseling and working with people, I find there is an element of truth into what he said…

“Whatever your woman is into, you better be into. Whatever your man is into, you better be into. Your partner into church, you better be into church. Your man or woman a crackhead, you better be a crackhead. Otherwise it just won’t work.”

No I am not endorsing Chris Rock, nor am I a big fan. Remember, I read and I read lots of things. Reading is food for the mind. This piece of food from several years ago caused me to go back and revisit his quote.

Here is the point of his quote and I completely agree. We have all seen couples where both people are totally different but if their relationship is a good one, I guarantee it is because they have plenty of things in common. My wife and I are totally different: she is sweet, nice, conversational, a peacemaker, an amazing cook, and everyone likes her. On the other hand, I have to work at those things which are natural to her. But… other than our personalities, we are very much alike. We both love to read, be involved in our church, travel, walk, watch soccer, spend time together, eat at nice restaurants, etc. We really share 90 percent of the same likes and dislikes. (Except she wants to go on a cruise for our 25th and I want nothing to do with a cruise!)

And while it is very important to have things in common, few couples have everything in common. True compatibility is just too much to expect and mostly overrated in my opinion; even though too many people have made it grounds for divorce: “We are incompatible, Your Honor, give us this divorce.” I have yet to see any two people who are totally compatible. Few relationships hit on all cylinders all of the time. There is always something. One loves to travel and the other is a homebody. One wants the physical relationship all of the time and one is just not that interested. One loves mornings and the other is a night owl. One loves social events and the other is a recluse. One loves antiques and the other likes contemporary. You get the drill. Think of your relationship. Are you really compatible in all areas? I doubt it.

Does it really matter? Not totally. Discover the differences between each other and enjoy them. Make them a source of humor instead of a source of irritation. We are all different. That is what makes life fun. That is what makes it interesting. That is what keeps it from being boring. Embrace the differences and enjoy the commonality!

Don’t try today; DO today!

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.“  Henny Youngman

I have been asked many times through the years what I love the most about my wife, Shelli. This year, 2012, we will celebrate our 25th anniversary. This is a good question. How would you answer this question about your spouse? “What do you love the most about your spouse?” It is always an easy answer for me.

What I love the most about Shelli is this… she loves me. Believe it or not, that is not an easy thing to do and most women could not or would not do it. I know that I am almost impossible. Sometimes I am loud, intolerant, demanding, caustic, sarcastic, impatient, a perfectionist, a neat freak, mistake-prone, too quiet, irritable, irritating, and many more things that she could vividly express. And on most days, these are my good traits!

But she loves me just the way I am. Regardless. That is what I love most about her; the fact that she loves me. Somehow she can look past the bad things in me and see the good things. What could be better than that?

Although today’s blog is much shorter than normal… I wonder, how would you answer this question about your spouse?

Don’t try today; DO today!

The marriage certificate is not a bill of sale; it is not even a rental agreement. However, some people look at marriage like a certificate of ownership, saying in essence, “It is mine and I can do whatever I want with it.” Legally you are correct. You can do whatever you want with your relationship because it is yours.

It is much like buying a house; you can buy a house, never clean it, never spray for termites, never paint it, never take out the trash and let it build up in the kitchen until it stinks and attracts bugs. You can do that to your house because it is yours. You own it. Not much can be done about it if that is the way you choose to treat your possession. But that does not make it a good idea. It does not make it right. It is not a good way to live. It is not a healthy way to manage your possession.

You can buy a new car, never clean it, park too close to people and get dings on the side, never change the oil, and drive on bald tires. It is yours; you own it and you can do whatever you want with it. But is it a good idea? I don’t think so.

Ownership creates two kinds of people: those who have pride in ownership, even to the point of obsession, and those who immediately say, “It’s mine and I’ll do whatever I please.”

Marriage works much the same way. I suggest you become one of those obsessive people, constantly tending to the relationship in order to leave it better than when you found it. Therefore, look good for each other. Dress up for each other. Clean up before bed. Put in the effort it takes to keep the spark going.

“A good marriage is one that can survive the ninety day euphoria of romantic love.“  Edward Abbey

When you marry, you give each other your hearts. Right? At least that is what all the love songs say. When you really, really think about this, my heart belongs to only one person and that is God! I can’t “give” my heart to my wife. It sounds good in the song but practically speaking, it is not very practical. The Bible even says my heart is desperately wicked, who can know it. That is why only God can really do a work on my heart. Nonetheless, marriage IS about sharing… sharing me, my dreams, my aspirations, my life, my ambitions, and my freedoms with my wife.

Do you remember that book title by Lewis Grizzard? “She Tore My Heart Out and Stomped That Sucker Flat.”

So allow me to be practical today… marriage is made up of two individuals who CHOOSE to love each other and together live happily. Therefore, marriage must be a choice, not an obligation! I continue to see couples who are desperately miserable in their marriages because they view their marriage as some type of contract or obligation. It is a choice – choose today to love your spouse! It will make all the difference in the world.

Don’t try today; DO today!

“Marriage should war incessantly against a monster that is the ruin of everything. This is the monster of custom.“  Honore de Balzac

There is much, much truth in this quote. People take others for granted. For many people being married is like being tenured in your job: you let things slide and start taking things for granted. I do not believe in tenure – not for teachers or anyone else. I think tenure is a license for laziness. And I believe a tenured marriage is one that is doomed. The moment you take anything for granted you become lazy.

Just walk down the street and check out the couples. Look at the couple who were college sweethearts: she was the cheerleader and he was the jock. Now, she is still cute and fit and he has a belly that covers his belt buckle because he is forty pounds overweight. He is now taking his cute little wife for granted. He may love her, may be a great father, but takes it for granted she still finds him appealing even though he has the body shape of the shape of the Hindenburg.

It works both ways; he does his best to maintain a healthy physique and look good, but she has become dumpy, has gray roots, rarely wears makeup, and thinks getting dressed up means putting on a clean pair of sweats. She has become lazy and takes her husband for granted. I could list a dozen similar situations you would instantly recognize, and you could probably do a quick analysis of your friends and know exactly what I am talking about. Maybe you could even look at your own marriage and do the same.

But like most, you would use excuses like having to work hard, taking care of the kids, and being tired as reason you do not really take care of yourself the way you used to. Sorry, but that really does not fly. If you really cared, you would do what it took to be your very best for your spouse. Not out of obligation or custom or tradition, but out of a desire to constantly renew your love each and every day! It baffles me that if you had a job interview, you would clean-up, dress-up, have your hair done, nails done, perfect make-up, work out at the gym, buy a new outfit, whatever you felt was needed to impress; however, that thinking left years ago when it comes to your marriage… hmmm???

I actually heard a man say this in South Carolina, “What do I care if I don’t look as good as I used to, I already caught me a wife?” Caught a wife? Is she a bass you are not going to throw back? You think once you have a wife, or a husband for that matter, you no longer have to be your best and look your best for them? If you honestly think that, then prepare yourself for a lackluster marriage.

Now don’t get the wrong idea; yes, I have just used “looks” as an example. But this example applies to all aspects of marriage. When you were dating, did you open the door for your wife? Then you still need to be doing it. When you were dating and first married, did you greet him in the morning with a cup of coffee while he shaved for work? Then you still need to be doing it. Did you rub her feet after a hard day? Then you still need to be rubbing her feet. Did you compliment each other? Then do it now. Did you talk about the other’s day, or their dreams, or desires, or fantasies, or aspirations, or goals? Then you better do it again. If you do not DO these things – and believe me, this is a skimpy list used only for example – then you are lazy and taking your spouse and your relationship for granted.

Do you have some changes that need to be made?  Don’t try today; DO today!

The failed marriage statistics are staggering in this country. Half of all of them do not work and end in divorce. These statistics are greatly skewed as there are now more people living together to “see if it will work” and break things off when they don’t. Those statistics are not included in the 50% failure rate.

The only way to have a happy, fulfilling marriage is to have one that is happy moment by moment. You can plan to be happy 10 or 20 years from now with your current relationship, but you may end up severely disappointed. You must decide (right now) that you will have a great marriage. It is a moment by moment choice that you choose to put the energy and effort to making your marriage work.

The best relationships and marriages renew themselves constantly. They do not always focus on the future. They do not put so much stock in the past. Instead, they focus on right now! They put their energy into enjoying every second of what they have together at this moment. Several years ago I watched my dad as he was in the final stages of his life and I witnessed the great love that my mother had for my father – in that moment! She tenderly took care of my dad – moment by moment. My mom and dad were as strong as they had ever been in their entire life in those final days of my dad’s life. They chose to be lovingly devoted to each other. It was a beautiful picture of a relationship that was constantly renewing itself.

Call your spouse right now and tell them how much you love him/her! Renew yourself right now. Don’t focus on the past and all of its mistakes or even good times. Don’t live in the past. Don’t focus on the future and what it might hold. Focus on right now.

Don’t try today; DO today!

People love to talk about how stressed out they are. I’ve heard these:

“Life is just so stressful.” “My kids are stressing me out.” “The holidays are such a stressful time.” “I just can’t; I’m so stressed.” “My boss causes so much stress.” “My wife/husband stresses me to no end.” On and on it goes!

Don’t ever waste a dime of your hard-earned money to attend a stress management seminar. Why would you want to learn how to manage something you do not need at all?

Having worked in the business world and served in ministry, I’ve learned this lesson regarding stress: Stress comes from knowing what is right and doing what is wrong!

Mark this down and remember it. Make a list of what stresses you. Regardless of what you wrote down, you know the right thing to do about each thing on your list. In fact, you have probably known for a good long while what you should do. You simply have not done it.

The problem is that you are either doing nothing or you are doing the wrong thing. That is what is causing the stress. It is not the things you wrote down that are causing the stress at all. It is that you know the right thing to do about them and are not doing it.

For instance, you most likely wrote or thought of a person in your life that stresses you beyond measure. Maybe it was your spouse, one of your children, a fellow employee, or who knows. You know what you ought to do about that person. You need to apologize to them. You need to forgive them. You need to tell them that you love them.  Regardless of the action you need to take, know that the person is not the cause of the stress. It is caused by you not doing what you know is the right thing to do. The lack of correct action is the culprit.

Don’t try today; DO today!